Sometimes life is not what you expect. It beautiful and blessed, its enriching and powerful, and often it is at rest and mundane, but occasionally life throws at you something you don't expect, something that despite the trials you have faced before, you do not know how to work through. This something for me came in the wake of my pregnancy and continued to grow after Brynnlee's birth in the form of what we know as post partum depression and anxiety. Being the 4th pregnancy for us and never before having post partum issues, it hit me in a, knock the wind out of you sort of way. It began as anxiety in my first trimester, always afraid something bad was going to happen, despite a lack of extreme complications within my proceeding pregnancies. This grew into worry in the middle trimester when I began bleeding without reasoning and finally it peeked in the last few weeks as I was told that I had GBS which can cause complications in birth if passed to baby in the form of meningitis. After birth I became paranoid that each sound or mannerism was a result of the GBS. I kept thinking things were wrong with my beautiful, perfect angel, leaving me little else emotionally to enjoy and bond with her.
I was mentally and physically exhausted, and to add to this, my husband is currently in a place with his job that is resulting in him working 6 days a week, most days 7 am- 8:30 pm, leaving me on the homefront alone. Add to this living in a place with brutal winters and yet to make local friends, I slipped easily from anxiety to depression. This depression came not in the form of sadness and crying as often portrayed, but in a state of overwhelmed, unenthused and mopey type of fog. Like most, I kept trying to think it would pass, once the winter was over I could once again go outside. Once the summer came I could go visit family. But the feelings did not pass on its own, and the time did not heal. I chose to seek help. I forced myself to go outside and try harder to make friendships grow.
Currently, Brynnlee is a beautiful, smart, healthy, and at times destructive 10 month old. She is the perfect blessing to our family, and while I am still taking it day by day, somedays are better than others, giving me not only the energy and mind frame for hobbies I love, but the time as well, which comes in the form of that sacred "naptime"!
Today was a great day for playing with paper. Getting back into the online community of scrapbooking after nearly a year can be overwhelming, so I went to the one place I knew I could depend on; paper issues. I found their
October take 5 challenge and accepted in the form of mixed media, 2 or more fonts, a pumpkin, layers, and kraft cardstock. Along with this, I was also so excited to find an old sketchy site,
creative scrappers , up and running once again, and inspiring this page with their current
sketch #299.
The sunlight was harsh, and the sharpness was shakey, but I was too excited not to share, despite the not up to par photo. So here's to deep truths and getting my hands dirty again! How I've needed them both.
Brianna
